Resentment

I admit it, there are many days I resent my stepdaughter, her mother, and the fact that they are even in my life to begin with.  There I said it.  I know that makes me an evil person, but I believe the true measure is what you do with that resentment.  Clearly there have been many days when I have wanted to lash out in anger and just yell, "Why are you doing this to me?" I normally don't.

Yesterday however was my breaking point.  Everyone has one and I definately hit mine.  After the last couple of weeks with my stepdaughter making all of us walk on eggshells because she is hormonal, I was already near the edge of the cliff.  Here is how it happened.

Husband calls, says his ex refused to sign the stipulation she agreed to sign to keep her out of court.  Keep in mind this is the same stipulation I told him not to waste time on because she would never sign it.  Suprise, Suprise, she is refusing to sign.  So after spending $600.00 that we don't have on getting a stipulation drawn up to try and get the money his ex owes us, we now are back to where I told him we should be from the beginning, yep another Order to Show Cause, let's see how many is this now?  Way too many to count.  Anyway, Miss Attitude comes home from school following a very hectic morning of her crying and refusing to do her chores.  Her immediate sentence, "Why are you dressed up?"  in a snotty tone of voice. 

I was dressed to go to my third job of the day, yes I am now working three jobs to support this selfish child because her father is spending all our money on things I told him not to do in the first place!  (Can you sense the resentment here?)  I answered I had to go to work, to which she demanded that I buy her candy for her Halloween party at school before I go. 

Here is where the Jackie O hat not only fell off but flew to the ground and was trampled on by a herd of running bulls.  I let her have it.  I told her straight out how much her mother had cost us just that day, that I was working three jobs to support her when her mother hand't paid a dime of child support in months.  I told her how unfair it was that I was standing there in the kitchen in high heels, skirt, and blouse doing dishes before I had to go to work when it was her chore to empty the dishwasher.  I told her how sick and tired I was of doing her laundry, taking her places, spending every penny I have on her when I need new clothes and all she had to say was, "Sorry."  and then walked away.

I could have accepted the apology had it not been for the attitude behind it, that "sorry" came out as sarcastic and bitter. 

My point to this whole horrid story is that when we let resentment build it finally explodes and not in ways that are positive for us or our kids.  Looking back I see where I could have walked away, but I didn't.  Instead I created a situation where my stepdaughter resents me because she honestly believes all the lies her mom has told her about being "caught up" on child support.  A stepparent can never compete with a birth parent, no matter how much we do for these kids.

As to me and my resentment, well I am finding new ways of realeasing it, such as venting to you all for the future.  I am also secretly praying that one day this child has a stepdaughter and her husband's ex exactly like her and her mom. 

Until next time.

Stepmama